Lame Remakes Of Great Television Shows

As is blatantly obvious, television quite often looks to the past when searching for new series ideas. This situation occurs for two different reasons.

1) The network has a current hit and wants to capitalize on that popularity by creating a spinoff.

Spinoffs have long been a popular and successful (for the most part) tactic for the networks. Some shows have been so finely crafted that they were the genesis of several spinoffs. For example, ALL IN THE FAMILY gave us THE JEFFERSONS, MAUDE, and GOOD TIMES. THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW gave us LOU GRANT, RHODA, and PHYLLIS. And we can't overlook the entire LAW AND ORDER franchise with the most recent being LAW AND ORDER LOS ANGELES and the highly successful CSI franchise. And, of course, JAG begat NCIS which begat NCIS LOS ANGELES

2) The network is looking for a ratings boost so it turns to hit series from the past and hopes that reviving them will be a ratings winner.

And in that department they have come up with some significant blunders when trying to capture that elusive lightning in the bottle for the second time. Far more remakes have been total disasters rather than a once again successful television series.

One remake that seems to be paying off for the network and one I'm enjoying is HAWAII 5-0.  They've updated the characters and given them more interesting backgrounds and interactions than the original but they were smart enough to keep the original theme song and the style of the opening main titles. A good mix of the old and comfortable along with the new.

But let's take a look at some remakes that just didn't work at all.

DRAGNET (2003):  Law and Order kingpin, Dick Wolf, tried to bring back Jack Webb's classic cop drama. It wasn't a bad idea. The original Jack Webb series had a very specific style that was totally Jack Webb's vision right down to the almost wooden dialogue. "Just the facts, Ma'am." It was an iconic style everyone knew. The remake, however, fell victim to the decision by committee mentality of constant tinkering by TV executives and it became a jumble of needless characters.

THE TWILIGHT ZONE (2002):  An attempt by UPN to remake one of the most creative and interesting series on television was a colossal failure. Without the guiding hand and creative genius of Rod Serling, including his iconic physical presence as the host introducing each episode, it was a dismal failure. They even went so far as to replace those great musical notes that made up the theme song with an updated version. All you need to hear is "do do do do" for the first eight notes and the theme song is not only recognized but its message is clear.

GET SMART (1995):  Fox brought back the classic spy spoof comedy originally created by Mel Brooks and Buck Henry. And they brought it back with the original cast and it still failed. This remake picked up where the original left off with Maxwell Smart bumbling his way to the top of Control as the chief. But instead of letting Don Adams continue with the role that made him famous, the secret agent work was handled by his nerdy son which made the whole series feel like a lukewarm second rate attempt.

THE PRISONER (2009):  The original classic British series starred Patrick McGoohan as Number six in The Village…a place that seemed to shift and change before our eyes and before the eyes of the main character so that not believing what you're seeing and hearing was the only rule that seemed to be true. The original had a subtext that said it never really took itself seriously. The remake had a bigger budget, larger cast, and better production values but somewhere in there it lost the feeling of the original.

THE FUGITIVE (2000):  CBS thought they could not only cash in on the highly successful original series, but also the hit movie starring Harrison Ford. But with a series and also a movie, everything about THE FUGITIVE was known. Who the characters were, their motives, and even the outcome. They didn't try to reinvent the wheel, they pretty much exactly copied it. No surprises, no edge of the seat action, nothing to hold the audience's interest.

FAWLTY TOWERS (every remake ever attempted):  Don't screw around with perfection! There were only twelve episodes made of John Cleese's FAWLTY TOWERS and each one was the epitome of what a sitcom should be—brilliant writing, marvelous characters brought to life by an excellent cast. There have been so many attempts to capture the success of this British sitcom with one remake after another in several countries. Even here in the U.S. we gave it three attempts before finally realizing that it can't be done.

With successful American translations of British sitcoms (All In The Family from the British Till Death Do Us Part, Sanford And Son from the British Steptoe And Son, and Three's Company from the British Man About The House), we obviously thought we could strike gold again. The first one starred Harvey Korman and Betty White and never got beyond the pilot stage. The second one tried a switch by putting Bea Author in a female Basil Fawlty role and it was cancelled after one season. The third attempt starred John Larroquette in a show that copied the original plots but not the characters. Another failure. The original FAWLTY TOWERS was done in the late 1970s and is as funny today as it was then. I have the twelve episodes on DVD and each time I see them I break up even though I know what's coming.

Are there any television remakes that you found particularly disappointing?

Those Naughty Pilgrims

Thanksgiving is this week. Time to turn our thoughts to turkey and dressing, cranberries, and pumpkin pie. The holiday also conjurs up images of the pilgrims at the dinner table looking all prim and proper. But what about those pious pilgrims? As with so much in life, there's the façade and then there's the reality. :)

They certainly have a reputation for being a rigid and humorless group. But there are a few surprises to be found. Even though drunkenness was discouraged, beer was accepted as a drink by men, women, and children. The daily ration on the Mayflower was a gallon a day for each individual. Even sex was not taboo under the right circumstances. They had a matter-of-fact attitude about sex as long as it was between a married couple. It's when sex strayed from being the exclusive right between a married couple that the stories get interesting.

Studies by a group of anthropologists at the University of Virginia found that the pilgrims spent a great deal of time thinking about how to punish those with impure thoughts and actions. Studies also discovered that in 11 percent of the marriages at Plymouth Colony the bride was already pregnant. The same study estimates that as many as 50 percent of the pilgrims engaged in premarital sex. Definitely not an image that fits the staid pilgrims.

According to the Mayflower Compact, the colony was to establish laws based on Biblical teachings "for the glory of God and the advancement of the Christian faith." The Old Testament book of Leviticus was the basis for most of their laws. Adultery? Death. A man has sex with his daughter-in-law? Death. Sodomy? Death. Bestiality? Death. Are you beginning to see a pattern? :)

But interestingly, the pilgrims did not typically enforce the death penalty for sex offenses. There was only one case in which the convicted offender was actually put to death for sex crimes. It was the case of Thomas Graunger, a teenage boy apparently at the peak of his raging hormones who sought satisfaction from any and all sources available to him…the farm animals.

According to Plymouth Governor William Bradford, "He was this year detected of buggery, and indicted for the same, with a mare, a cow, two goats, five sheep, two calves and a turkey."

Even though Thomas was the only one executed for a sex crime, punishments were routinely severe even with far lesser sex crimes and usually meant whippings, being put into the stocks, and fines.

Although not liberal in their thinking or lifestyle, the pilgrims were not as uptight as history would have us believe. They tried to create a strict religious society, but had an understanding and mercy unusual for their time. As time passed, intolerance grew and was reflected in their laws as demonstrated by the notorious Salem witch trials.

Men were not the only offenders in Plymouth colony. The prim women weren't always so pious either. Women were often caught with the evidence of their dalliances: babies. The records of the times are filled with one out-of-wedlock child after another. Babies showing up just a few months after marriage were also evidence of wrong doing. Pre-marital sex was severely punished. Fines were levied even for making passes, for appearing to have a "lascivious carriage" in public, or partying in mixed company at an unseemly time of night.

Sex outside marriage, even between two unmarried consenting adults, usually meant a whipping and fines. If the woman became pregnant, the man had to either marry her or pay for the child's upbringing. The man was usually placed in the stocks and whipped while the woman was made to watch. Sometimes mercy was granted as in the case of a servant, Jane Powell. Following years of hard servitude, she was destitute and had agreed to having sex in the hopes of marrying the man. Apparently the court found her plea convincing and she went unpunished.

Even though the pilgrims imposed strict punishment for crimes, they also understood human temptations. In 1656, Katheren Aines and William Paule were sentenced for committing adultery. William was whipped and forced to pay the costs of his imprisonment. Katheren was whipped, imprisoned and forced to wear a letter on her shoulder designating her as an adulteress. (Calling Nathaniel Hawthorne!) However, Katheren's husband, Alexander, was also punished. Alexander had left his family for some time and treated her badly during their marriage. The pilgrims viewed him as guilty of "exposing his wife to such temptations." Alexander was required to pay for his wife's imprisonment, and sit in the stocks while William and Katheren were whipped.

This Thanksgiving as you sit down to your turkey dinner, it might be a good idea to take a moment to be thankful you aren't a pilgrim. :)

Eagle Vs. Turkey: America's National Symbol

We all know that the bald eagle is America's National Symbol…a proud and majestic bird. And turkey is what we serve every year at Thanksgiving…a tasty bird made all the more appetizing when accompanied by dressing, mashed potatoes and gravy.

But did you know if Benjamin Franklin had gotten his way, the turkey would have been our national symbol?

In 1776, right after the signing of the Declaration of Independence, the Continental Congress appointed a special committee to select a design for an official national seal. This committee consisted of Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and Benjamin Franklin. They each had their own ideas, none of which included the bald eagle. They finally came to agreement on a drawing of a woman holding a shield to represent the states. However, the design did nothing to inspire the members of Congress.

So Congress consulted a Philadelphia artist named William Barton who created a new design that included a golden eagle. At the time we were still at war with England and the fierce looking bird was deemed an appropriate symbol…with one small change. The golden eagle also flew over Europe so the federal lawmakers declared that the bird in the seal had to be an American bald eagle.

On June 20, 1782, they approved the design that we recognize today.

From the start, the eagle had been a controversial choice. Benjamin Franklin was quite vocal in his objection to the selection of the eagle. He considered it a bird of "bad moral character." A year after the Treaty of Paris officially ended the war with Great Britain, Franklin argued that the turkey would have been a more appropriate symbol. "A much more respected bird and a true native of America."

Unfortunately for Franklin, Congress was not convinced and the bald eagle remained our national symbol.

Whereas both the bald eagle and the turkey are native to America, we can't lay exclusive claim to either species since both were traditionally found in Canada and Mexico as well as the U.S.

And all of this leads us to one important question. If the turkey had been chosen as our national symbol, what would we serve as our traditional Thanksgiving dinner?

How To Be A Supervillain: Six Tips For Ruling The World

This trying to take over the world business isn't as easy as it seems. Even with legions of henchmen and all kinds of super toys available to you, there's always some superhero out there to thwart your plans just when you're on the verge of success.

If world domination is your goal, here's a list of the top six essentials you'll need for a career as a supervillain.

Persian Cat (or equally sinister animal adornment)

Why It's Necessary: A supervillain needs to be holding the cat when he makes his grand entrance. The Persian breed says you're wealthy and that mankind's most aloof creature is no match for your icy resolve.
Who Did It Best: Ernst Stavro Blofeld, possibly James Bond's greatest enemy, was the trendsetter for many supervillain staples.

Bald Head

Why It's Necessary: Any supervillain worthy of the name has a spectacular chrome dome holding his genius brain.
Who Did It Best: Lex Luthor immediately leaps to mind.

Minions

Why It's Essential: The truth about supervillains can be summed up as why have dogs around you if you're going to end up doing your own barking. The true supervillain is too busy creating super plots to take over the world to have time for the minor interruptions such as kidnapping enemies and making Starbucks runs.
Who Did It Best: Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader had an army of Stormtroopers to send after the Rebel Alliance. Of course, that didn't help them win in the end.

Inventive Death Traps

Why It's Essential: A supervillain can't simply kill his adversary, he has to come up with an ingenious method of doing away with him that offers maximum dramatic impact. Of course, the downside of this is that it gives the hero ample opportunity to escape.
Who Did It Best: From Blofeld's piranha pool to all the torturous devices Indiana Jones encountered, there are just too many to try to pick only one.

Secret Hideaway

Why It's Essential: In order to have a dramatic showdown you need to have a suitably impressive backdrop and a secret hideaway is just the place.
Who Did It Best: Austin Powers' nemesis, Dr. Evil may have been inept in many areas, but he definitely had an eye for impressive lairs.

Evil Plan

Why It's Essential: Anyone with a genius IQ can built a super weapon and rain havoc on the population. However, a true supervillain has to do more than just destroy stuff. He needs an evil plan to justify all the destruction and there needs to be something for the hero to thwart.
Who Did It Best: The history of villainy give us a wealth of truly moronic evil plans. But for a scheme we can all believe in, we need to look at Magneto, the metal-molding mutant from X-Men. He can show us how an evil plan is done.

Who are your favorite supervillains?

Halloween Candy Nightmares

Halloween aftermath usually means two things—putting the witch and goblin decorations away and fighting the battle of all that candy in the house. There's the leftover candy from what you bought to hand out and then there's all the candy the kids collected on their trick or treat rounds. Sacks full of candy. Enough potential tooth decay material to last until next Halloween.

And what kind of candy is it that we now have in abundance? It seems that all the candy manufacturers, in addition to their regular size candy bars, make the little fun size candy—the mini candy bars or individual pieces. Those little bite size morsels that give us just a taste.

These little tidbits aren't as harmless as you'd like to believe. Many of the small treats are worse for you than eating a normal size candy bar. But that can't be, you tell yourself, because you're only going to eat one of those little things and that's certainly not the same as a regular size candy bar. Well, you and I both know that's a lie! :)

I recently saw a list of the ten worse choices of these mini candy snacks and I'd like to share it with you.

1) Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins (1 piece): You convince yourself that you're getting lots of protein from the peanut butter. Think again. One pumpkin has 180 calories, 11 grams of fat, and 17 grams of sugar.

2) Dove Milk Chocolate Promises (5 pieces): Chocolate is marvelous stuff, full of antioxidants that help decrease the risk of heart disease. Think again. It's DARK chocolate that has the antioxidants, not milk chocolate. You're eating 220 calories, 13 grams of fat, and 22 grams of sugar.

3) Twix Miniatures (3 pieces): Like the Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins, another choice that might not seem so bad for you. This gooey caramel and cookie crunch treat has 150 calories, 8 grams of fat, and 15 grams of sugar.

4) Almond Joy Snack-Size Bars (3 pieces): Coconut milk and coconut water might be popular in healthy eating circles, but that doesn't mean it's ok to cover it with chocolate and still consider it healthy. With these, you're eating 200 calories, 11 grams of fat, and 19 grams of sugar.

5) Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Miniature (5 pieces): Remember the comments about Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins? Well, the same rules apply here only this time it's 220 calories, 13 grams of fat, and 23 grams of sugar.

6) Hershey's Miniatures (5 pieces): These are staples every year at Halloween time. The mixed bag of treats begs you to try at least one of each kind. You'll be consuming 200 calories, 11 grams of fat, and 19 grams of sugar.

7) Hershey's Kisses Caramel-Filled (9 pieces): These seem safe, but don't be fooled. You're looking at 190 calories, 9 grams of fat, and 24 grams of sugar.

8) York Dark Chocolate-Covered Peppermint Patties (3 pieces): The cool minty chocolate that melts in your mouth gives you 150 calories, 3 grams of fat, and 27 grams of sugar.

9) Snickers Fun Size (2 bars): The commercials say, "Hungry? Grab a Snickers." If you do, you'll be grabbing 144 calories, 7.4 grams of fat, and 14 grams of sugar.

10) Kit Kat Snack Size (3 2-piece bars): These little beauties are worth 210 calories, 11 grams of fat, and 24 grams of sugar.

Perhaps the scariest thing about Halloween is the number of calories, grams of fat, and grams of sugar we consume under the guise of it's little, it won't hurt me.

And strictly for adults…having a glass of wine with our Halloween candy. What type of wine goes with Candy Corn, you might ask.  Master Sommelier and Director of Wines at Kimpton Hotels and Restaurants has put together some pairings of Halloween candy and wine for your pleasure.

Hershey's Milk Chocolate Bars go nicely with a fruity, low-alcohol wine like Brachetto d'Aqui from Northern Italy. It's bright pink and tastes like raspberries and roses.

Hot Tamales are intensely spicy and sweet. That demands a high acid wine with low alcohol to cut the spice and high sugar content, something like a German Riesling.

Tootsie Rolls go very well with a Tawny Port. A twenty year old Tawny Port will taste like nuts and orange peel.

Reese's Pieces go perfectly with Vin Santo from Italy. This wine has a nutty flavor, a great match with the peanut buttery candy.

And finally…what wine goes with Candy Corn? According to the expert, this super sugary candy pairs well with a very floral wine like Muscat de Beaumes de Venise which is a fortified Muscat from the South of France with a rich orange blossom flavor.

So…sort out your candy and don't over do it.

Halloween Is Almost Here...

And this week I have more about ghosts, goblins, and things that go bump in the night. Starting with the ancient origins of the Halloween holiday and then a bit about Jack O'Lanterns.

The roots of Halloween date back 2000 years to the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain (pronounced sow-in, rhymes with cow). The Celts lived in what is now Ireland, United Kingdom, and northern France. They celebrated their new year on November 1, the day marking the end of summer and harvest and the beginning of the dark winter. They believed that on the night before the new year, the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead wasn't clearly defined. On the night of October 31 they celebrated Samhain, a time when they believed the ghosts of the dead returned to earth.

To commemorate the event, the Druids (Celtic priests) built large sacred bonfires where the people made sacrifices to the Celtic deities. During the celebration, the Celts wore costumes and attempted to tell each other's fortunes. When the celebration was over, they re-lit their hearth fires from the sacred bonfire to help protect them during the winter.

By 43A.D., the Romans had conquered most of the Celtic territory. During the next four hundred years, the Roman festivals of Feralia and Pomona were combined with the traditional celebration of Samhain. In the seventh century, Pope Boniface IV declared November 1st to be All Saints' Day. It's believed today that the pope was trying to replace the Celtic festival with a church sanctioned holiday. The celebration was also called All-Hallows. So, the night before it, the night of Samhain, was called All-Hallows Eve.

In 1000A.D., the church declared November 2nd All Souls' Day, a day to honor the dead. It was celebrated similarly to Samhain with big bonfires, parades, and dressing up in costumes. Together the three celebrations—the eve of All Saints', All Saints', and All Souls'—were called Hallowmas and eventually Halloween.

Halloween has always been a holiday filled with mystery, magic and superstition. It began as a Celtic end-of-summer festival during which people felt especially close to deceased relatives and friends. They set places at the table and left treats on doorsteps for these friendly spirits. They also lit candles to help their loved ones find their way back to the spirit world. Today's Halloween ghosts are usually depicted as scarier, as are our customs and superstitions.

And speaking of superstitions…have you ever wondered about where these strange beliefs came from? British author Harry Oliver has written a book titled Black Cats and Four-Leaf Clovers where he explores the origins of superstitions and old wives' tales from around the world. Here are a few of his observations.

Black Cats Bring Bad Luck: black cats have been linked to witchcraft through the centuries which is why many people think they're unlucky. If a cat crosses your path, it's considered unlucky. However, if a cat walks toward you, it's a good omen.

Carrots Are Good For Your Eyesight: although studies have shown that the vitamin A in carrots is good for your eyes, the vegetable isn't enough to create 20/20 vision. Many believe that it was a smart attempt by parents to get their children to eat their vegetables. There is another belief that it started during World War II. It was rumored that British pilots were eating huge amounts of carrots so they could see from high altitudes and in the dark. The rumor was created to keep the public from discovering that radar had been invented and was being used against the enemy.

Wear Your Underwear Inside Out: when you're having a bad day, superstition says that if you turn your underwear inside out things will get better. No one is sure where this one came from, but it's likely the result of a wild college fraternity party.

And then there's the Jack O'Lantern. Making a Jack O'Lantern for Halloween is a centuries old practice that originated from an Irish myth about a man nicknamed Stingy Jack. He played tricks on the Devil and made Satan promise not to take his soul when he died. When the time came, God refused to allow him into heaven because he was an unsavory character. The Devil wouldn't allow him into hell because Jack had made him promise. With nowhere to go, Jack put a burning coal into a carved out turnip and has been roaming the Earth ever since. The Irish began to refer to this ghostly figure as Jack Of The Lantern which morphed into Jack O'Lantern.

In Ireland and Scotland, people began to make their own versions by carving scary faces into turnips and potatoes, and in England they used large beets. Immigrants from these countries brought the tradition with them to the United States where they soon found that pumpkins made the perfect Jack O'Lantern.

Do you have a favorite costume this year? Are you planning on going to a party? Leave me a comment about your Halloween plans.

Next week, since Halloween falls on Sunday and I have to post another new blog, I'm going to talk about what there will be an abundance of that night and for the next few days…Halloween candy. It will be Halloween Candy Nightmares (the worst choices) and the pairing of Halloween wine with Halloween candy. Do you have any idea which wine goes with candy corn? :)

Haunted Houses Are Now Big Business

I remember when I was a child in West Los Angeles. We had a very large garage and one year my mother and father fixed it up like a haunted house for my Halloween party. They set up a winding, twisty route through the garage that led my friends through a maze of all kinds of scary things. It was a lot of fun and totally different from anything anyone else in the neighborhood did for Halloween. Of course, back in those days, scary things were not the same type of bloody gruesome attractions that are the main features at today's professional Halloween attractions.

Halloween attractions have moved far beyond the innocent neighborhood scare as a fun thing for the trick-or-treaters. Today they are big business. Operators of the large attractions spend most of the year coming up with new and better scary ideas and then implementing them. They take pleasure in dreaming up even more diabolical ways of giving us nightmares.

And guess what – a group of these scary attraction operators even have an organization of their own. Eighteen of the most famous haunted house attractions in the nation have formed America Haunts and count among their members Erebus, Netherworld, The Beast, The ScareHouse, and Edge of Hell. They even hold a national convention every summer in Pittsburgh. The haunted houses that belong to America Haunts are as diverse as the men and women who operate them.

Some, like Erebus, offer high tech features such as moving walls that push people into bottomless pits. They use pneumatics and programmable logic controllers to trigger various events. Erebus is seeking to reclaim its Guinness World Record for the largest haunted house with 2,450 linear feet (the equivalent of over seven football fields) of horror. With competition from seventy haunted house attractions within a fifty mile radius of their southeast Michigan location, they are constantly improving the attraction with innovative new features.

The ScareHouse is three horrifying haunted houses in one. In Rampage, the theme is steampunk meets George Orwell's 1984 meets Pink Floyd. Delirium 3D requires that you wear 3D glasses to go inside the conglomeration of bright colors, neon, European rave music and cybergothic aesthetic. Forsaken is the most traditional haunted house of the three.

But what's the oldest and largest Halloween haunt? Knott's Berry Farm theme park located in Orange County, just south of Los Angeles. Or as it's known this time of year, Knott's Scary Farm.

The Aslyam, one of the Haunt areas of Knott's Scary Farm

This month is the park's 38th annual Halloween Haunt. Knott's hosts the world's first and longest running Halloween theme park event, and the largest event in the amusement park industry. They make it clear that the event is not recommended for children under thirteen years of age. Horror and terror runs rampant through the park every night during October.

But what about real haunted houses? A Denver attraction, The 13th Floor, is housed in a former vocational school. The building has been studied by paranormal investigators who believe it to be truly haunted.

Do any of you have a genuine haunted house in your area?