Eleven years ago, I did a blog commemorating the 50th
anniversary of the death of etiquette expert Emily Post. On that anniversary, Vanity Fair polled 18 –
44 year-olds and found that forty percent of those queried had no idea who
Emily Post was or why she was famous.
Emily Post died on September 25, 1960. She would have turned 149 years old next
month, so I'd like to do a bit of an update on that blog. She was born on October 27, 1872, in
Baltimore, Maryland, although there are some who consider her date of birth to
be October 3, 1873. At the time she was
growing up, well-bred women were discouraged from working. By becoming the
nation’s expert on manners as well as a self-made career woman with books, a
syndicated newspaper column, and a network radio program, she defied the
dictates of that time.
Society has changed quite a bit in the sixty-one years since
her death. So, how relevant are Emily
Post's etiquette rules to modern life in today's fast paced society of five
second sound bites, social media, and instant global communication?
Some of the topics she covered in her 1922 book, Etiquette in Society, in Business, in
Politics, and at Home, seem totally irrelevant today. Subjects such as one of my favorites—how to
keep your fan, gloves, and napkin on your lap at fancy dinner parties. That skill has always been a stumbling block
for me at the many fancy dinner parties I routinely attend, especially those
fancy/formal occasions held in those many appropriate venues that are NOT air
conditioned thus requiring that I carry my folding fan. :)
Some of her other advice, however, is still relevant today.
Fashion: While her advice for men is no longer
relevant—she recommended suits for everywhere and all occasions except what she
referred to as "the country."
When on a country outing, breeches and polished leather riding boots
were acceptable. Her thoughts on female
style are, thankfully, a little more relevant.
She said most women were fashion sheep,
that they should take trends and personalize them.
Conversational
Skills: This is something that seems
to be eroding in today's society of instant communication consisting of 140
characters on Twitter. After you dismiss
all the complicated stuff about when to doff a hat or curtsy, a lot of her
advice is still common sense today.
Things such as—will what you have to say be interesting to those around
you, don't repeat yourself, let other people talk, and don't pretend to know
more than you do.
At a Live
Performance: Her book has lots of
advice about things like how to dress and whether it's acceptable for a woman
to attend with a man who is not her husband.
Keep in mind that by "live performance" she was referring to
the theater, opera, or the symphony.
Rock concerts in massive arenas were still a long way off. Her two biggest rules concerning live
performances are one hundred percent relevant today—shut up and be on
time! And I'm sure in today's society
she would have added turning off your cell phone.
Introductions: She apparently loved all the formalities of
meeting new people, presenting calling cards, and how to properly address each
other. In today's society it's very
common for people to know each other
even without having been properly introduced face-to-face. We're
friends on Facebook, I saw your video on YouTube, I read your tweet. I imagine that would have thrown Emily into
quite a tizzy. :)
Mustn't: Emily Post had lots of mustn'ts. Here are a couple
of examples. "A lady mustn't carry
a bundle of anything on the streets, but if she has to, a man must carry it for
her." She apparently didn't have a
rule covering what to do if it was imperative to move that bundle from one
place to another (such as your purchases at the mall that you're carrying to
your car) and you didn't have a man available to carry it. "If a man doesn't enjoy the conversation
a lady has offered, a woman mustn't be offended, but rather keep fishing for
topics he might find agreeable."
This sort of reminds me of that magazine article from the mid 1950s
about how to be a good wife. Definitely
advice to make today's woman cringe.
What if she doesn't enjoy the conversation a man offered? :)
Houses: Her advice in this area seems the most
outdated and indicates that her advice was apparently a luxury for the
wealthy. She advised that a house must
have servants on hand to collect a visitor's things when they visit.
It's easy to make fun of etiquette rules published ninety-nine
years ago, but Emily Post's most basic rule is as necessary today as it was
back then. "Never do anything that
is unpleasant to others."
Here are four more of Emily's thoughts on etiquette (and I'm
sure she would cringe at my informal use of her first name when we had never
met/been introduced let alone been friends).
1. "Never interlace your conversation with foreign
words or phrases when you can possibly translate them into English; and the
occasions when our mother tongue will not serve are extremely rare."
We all know someone who casually throws around the foreign
phrases as an affectation we find very annoying.
2. "Who does not dislike a 'boneless' hand extended as
though it were a spray of sea-weed, or a miniature boiled pudding? It is
equally annoying to have one’s hand clutched aloft in grotesque affectation and
shaken violently sideways, as though it were being used to clean a spot out of
the atmosphere. What woman does not wince at the viselike grasp that cuts her
rings into her flesh and temporarily paralyzes every finger?”
A limp, dead fish handshake is definitely bad news. Also beware of the handshake ball (a
gathering where everyone is constantly shaking hands with everyone else). That gets real old real soon.
3. "Lack of consideration for those who in any capacity
serve you, is always an evidence of ill-breeding, as well as of inexcusable
selfishness."
This includes such things as the man who yells at the taxi
driver or the woman who brusquely dismisses a waiter or waitress as a
nobody. In Emily Post’s eyes, that type
of action labels the person as definite low life and still applies 100%
today. Don’t be that person.
4. "Life, whether social or business, is a bank in
which you deposit certain funds of character, intellect and heart; or other
funds of egotism, hard-heartedness and unconcern; or deposit—nothing! And the bank
honors your deposit, and no more. In other words, you can draw nothing out but
what you have put in."
Many of the world’s most successful people are simply
committed to service. Figure out what
you want from the world. If you expect
to get it, be prepared to first give it.
And that, for Emily Post's 149th birthday, is Emily updated.