Sunday, April 11, 2010

Five Secrets You Should NEVER Keep From Your Mate

We all have secrets, some bigger than others. Some more important than others. Even in the healthiest of relationships, there can be secrets. These are usually the little white lie type of secrets such as not being as enamored of his favorite sport as you've led him to believe.

According to a recent news article I read, some secrets you keep from your mate and some should never be withheld. What secrets should never be kept?

1) Addictions: This is information your mate needs to know, whether your addiction is shopping, alcohol, drugs, or even one that has certainly been in the headlines lately—sex addiction. Your mate can help you deal with whatever your addiction might be which is certainly better than you sneaking around and hiding things.

2) Unhappy Workplace: Use your common sense on this one. Little misunderstandings with a co-worker don't need to be brought home and turned into something they aren't. But if you have a boss or co-worker who continually tries to force his attentions on you (sexual harassment), sabotages your work efforts, or otherwise makes your work life impossible, it's a sign you need to talk to someone. If there's someone at work you trust, talk to them. But almost make it a point of talking to your mate so he or she won't be blindsided when you've finally had all you can take and explode.

3) An Undermining In-Law: In-laws traditionally and notoriously get a bad rap. But there are some in-laws who intentionally undermine your self-confidence and purposely set out to hurt your relationship. Your mate needs to know what's going on. Talk to him or her about what's been happening before it gets out of hand to the point where the relationship is permanently damaged. If your mate is more concerned with his or her relative than with you, better to know it earlier than later so that an informed decision can be make about the true viability of the relationship.

4) How His Or Her Treatment Makes You Feel: Don't whine to your mate about every little mistake. However, those small mistreatments can build up over time and if you never say anything your mate will never realize you've been hurt by certain things he or she says or does. Instead of fixating on specific individual things, talk to your mate about patterns of behavior that bother you and come to an agreement about what is and isn't appropriate for your relationship.

5) A Past Marriage/Engagement/Serious Relationship: It's difficult to keep a prior marriage a secret, but it has been done. The reality, however, is that it shouldn't be kept a secret. There's no need to go into long drawn out detail about what was good and what was bad in the previous marriage. And it's definitely a bad idea to continually bring up your past marriage, especially if you're making a comparison between what might have been good with the previous marriage and problems you're having with your current mate. But you do want to be honest with your current mate so that something from the past doesn't sneak up and kill your new relationship.

Do you think it's okay to keep some secrets from your mate or should there be no secrets at all?


Darah Lace said...

What an interesting topic...but I'll have to plead the 5th!

Mary Ricksen said...

I do believe that your mate doesn't need to know every little detail. There are things that are to painful to talk about. Things that would not affect the relationship.
Sometimes I don't tell him things I know will upset him. Why do that.
A lot of it has to do with the couple and what is important to them.

Samantha Gentry said...

Darah: Just because it might be a good idea to share something with your mate, that does not means it's a good idea to share it here on the internet. Sometimes pleading the 5th is the way to go. :)

Samantha Gentry said...

Mary: need to share every tiny detail, especially if it's not relevent to the relationship.

Anna said...

Ben Franklin said it well--- "Three people can keep a secret, if two of them are dead."

Anonymous said...

I would agree with the Big 5. In general, I think honesty is the best policy. Often times the biggest issue begins innocently with the smallest lie/omission. The determining factor of whether to share or not to share, I think, is whether the knowledge would be an irritant or a potential relationship derailer.

Samantha Gentry said...

Anna: That's so right. The only absolute guarantee that a secret will never be told is if only one person knows the secret.

Samantha Gentry said...

Carabristol: To share or not to share has several variables. As you said, an irritant or a potential relationship derailer.

My blog next week is about 10 secrets to keep from your mate.